Tuesday, December 05, 2017

What is happening..

Just when I thought year 2017 is a good year overall, things had to happen.

Wedding is over, finally and I feel absolutely good about it; everything went well, at least that's what I thought and I do not want to care what others think of it.

There were people saying the wedding is boring, this and that, well I guess it was just not up to their entertainment standard but I was happy. I loved the deco where people take pictures, I loved the wedding dress and evening gown I rented last minute and most of all, I have all the friends I cared for with me to share the moment with me.

That was enough, that was enough for me to feel good about my wedding and on another point, I married the love of my life.

... and just when I thought everything will be good, my dad's family decided to make a swift decision to do operation for my grandma on her blocked arteries; bypass surgery.

Although the surgery went well and everything was fine but the person going through the operation was not really briefed properly of the operation procedure and so when grandma woke up and felt all weak and etc, she felt shocked and sort of just give up after two days of pleading us to bring her home. Now when we go visit her, she is always sleeping and coughing and sometimes it sounds like crying with no energy.

So depressed... and I feel so helpless, and my dad and his siblings are just not helping much with the situation... sighs. Speechless and don't know what else to say.

Just wanting to rant this out....

Wednesday, November 01, 2017

Tomorrow is my wedding..

and today I am still feeling like shit.

I can't even lift a smile.. what is this feeling?

Just few days ago I was feeling all nervous, butterflies, and maybe a little excited, until I decided to share a little bit info to someone whom I told myself not to trust, but I thought that little info wouldn't get me into any trouble.. what is worse that could happen? BAM. Gossips.

So that little info led to my husband being teased and shit among his guy friends and he was not too happy about it, and at that point of time, I turned to someone whom I was already constantly talking to and BAM.. I wasn't even looking to comfort or anything, I just needed a place to rant.. I was overwhelmed with things. but yea, I got slammed, saying this is what I deserved to get when I indulged in all those negativities, rumours and gossip shit and brought up something in the past that we couldn't solved but made a pact not to talk about before.

She felt insulted because I chose to believe the worse of this somebody from gossips and others, and not believe in her judgement of this somebody that he's not a bad person. .


And I know for a fact that some of the ppl I hang out with are toxic, I really know.. but I can't just cut them off like that, I can't, at least not yet; this is not how I deal with people.

But I do not need all those statements now.. I knew all the facts she threw, I just can't have it now because it's like a huge stone sitting on me now.. I haven't felt so sad waking up for a long time, and I just couldn't feel any better.

Now I just feel like shit, I feel like I deserved it, I don't even know if I am supposed to whine about it now because I am a grown up adult and I should know how to deal with shits, but I am only just human. I cannot deal with this now.

Gah, God, please help me. Let loose me so that I could at least enjoy this very last moment before I become a Mrs in this chinese traditional way.

Also, can there be no rain tomorrow? I pray with all my heart and soul.


Monday, February 22, 2016

So, has it been 10 Years yet.. or not?

YES, this blog is 12 years old already!

Ladies, we should celebrate! I was just wondering what other social media platform my email address is associated with and then I remembered this blog.

and boy, my last post was sad. Sound like I had a lot of things going on there; I call them emosi! hahaha

Well, I just thought I'd drop a short post here updating the year we are at now. 2016!

Happy 2016 Our Equation!

Thursday, May 07, 2015


There has been a lot of things going on lately and I just can't help feeling down about it. Now I'd like to blog about issue#1

1. Being a sister.
I failed as a sister. I do not have the respect I want/should have from my siblings at all, especially one of my sister. She can just scream and shout and even swear at me however she want and I have no way, and I repeat, there is no way for me to get her respect at all. Sometimes I would just walk away and sometimes I would just scream back at her but you can say, most of the times I just failed miserably.

I often think to myself, why? How did this come about? I am the eldest sister but none of them has ever treated me as the eldest one, except for my youngest sister. You may say it's because I have never been like an elder sister before, responsibility and also role wise but that's also because we go to different schools and I am more independent myself; study wise. 

Lately I have a friend who said I am who I am because I did not go overseas and get the exposure I should have and that my mindset is different from two of my siblings; my brother and my youngest sister who went overseas for studies. The sister who I don't get along with; our mindset is different from my siblings who went overseas before. I was speechless when I read what she typed because it sounded as though we are the same kind, I didn't know what to say.  

I wanted to say we are different, and I wanted to argue that if I had the chance again to fight for my opportunity to study overseas, I think I'd still choose to stay and go with what I can locally because I am the eldest, and my family is not well off. I knew my parents couldn't support me to study overseas. My brother is only a year younger than me and I knew he wanted to study overseas as well and what more I still have two younger sisters, what if they wanted an opportunity to study/venture overseas too? Sigh

And when this friend said my sister and I are different from my other two siblings...  I felt so... upset. My sister is pure rude and she only thinks for herself and do things out of her convenient. She is not considerate at all and always find excuses for her doings BUT I don't know.. maybe I am in no place to say her as well, I am probably as bad...but all I wanted from her was some respect, the kind of treatment she has for me is.. intolerable. 

I guess that will only happen in my dream.  

Friday, December 26, 2014

This too, will pass..

As I sit down infront of this screen here, I think of my life.

I think of the things I feel I have worked hard for yet still haven't attained.

I began to wonder...

With every blink of my eyes I begin to feel so many emotions.

My heart starts to speed up.

My emotions start to run wild.

I can't seem to express this.

What can I do with these emotions?

What is my passion?

How do I show that I have potential for something?

I feel like a bird perched on a frail branch that is bending beneath me..

But I know bad moments don't last forever, neither do the good ones.

Nothing lasts forever.

Everything changes.

Tuesday, October 07, 2014

A New Beginning for Me.

This is the first post of the year 2014 for me. I just have to do this.

I have to grow up. I need to stop talking and brooding about people's issue. I have to accept the fact that people come and go and not everyone in your life is going to stick around forever. I just have to learn how to let go. As the chinese sayings go by, '拿得起放得下' I've just talked to a friend and what she said is somewhat true, that Bruneians tends to be stuck all the time, stuck with the same old problem and whine like a broken record, over and over again and after some time the same problem is still there. We just don't fix it. I felt embarassed to be one of those 'bruneians' she mentioned even though technically, I'm a Malaysian, but I grew up in Brunei. haha!

I have to stop giving myself pressure about this kind of things. Why do I have to be so afraid of hurting people when those people I care about do not think the same about me. Why do I have to care so much about how people think of me when they don't even think of how I would think of them. My opinion should be as important as how I think of their opinion as well. All in all I should just stop caring so much for things that don't affect too much on me for once and for all. I can't expect people to change. I either have to accept who they are, or I start living my life without them and just because when something ends, it doesnt mean it never should have been. Maybe things are meant to happen that way, for a reason. There's another sayings that go 'You lived, you learned, you grew, and you moved on. Some people comes into your life as blessings, others come into your life as lessons hence SHENNY! Stop letting people who do so little to control so much of your mind, feelings and emotions. Nobody really cares.

I really hope this post will be my closure right now for all the friends and people issues I had for the past few years. This blog will serve as a reminder to myself to be who I really want to be. I'm tired to be someone to look out for how people think of me. All I really want to do now is to be the best version of myself, on my own terms. I want to set my priorities straight and take full responsibility of my own goals, know my self worth and choose the right perspective. I cannot keep brooding over the same old issue anymore. Just let it be a lesson learnt. Most of all, choose the things that truly matters only.

Saw this paragraph and thought that this would be a good reminder note to myself......

Dear Self,
When someone treats you like you're just one of many options, help them narrow their choice by removing yourself from the equation. Sometimes you have to try nt to care, no matter how much you really do, because sometimes you can mean almost nothing to the person who means so much to you. It's not pride but self respect. Don't expect to see positive changes in your life if you surround yourself with negative people. Don't give part time people a full-time position in your life. Know your value and what you have to offer, and never settle for anything less than you deserve. 

Meaningless friendships, forced interactions and unnecessary conversations can be avoided all. Just learn to let go of things I can't control. Nobody is born perfect, and perspective is really everything. There are two choices to how I can view this as; a lesson learnt or get all emotional and breakdown that all these people and friends' issues had to happen to me. The past me would have chosen the latter.

Today I will take it as a life's way of asking me to grow up a little bit more, to raise my consciousness in life.


Saturday, September 27, 2014

First post of 2014

Hi my dear readers (prob only the two of you gals)!

My last post was in May 2011. What the hell.. so long ago. SO MUCH HAS CHANGED! Since then, I broke up, got together with another guy and now have broken up again..wtf. Now I feel time is like water or something. Just flow flow flow and it's gone, so quickly. I've also graduated started working and now it's been 2 yrs and 7 months that I'm working in Panasonic. Oh how time flies. Sometimes I feel the past is like a dream. Everyday I seem to wake up and whatever that's yesterday is like a dream and it's over and it's that past.

OK. Today feels like a great day. My friends from university invited me out for lunch for my belated birthday. I feel very very thankful for the people in my life. Coz just when I think my life is shitty, like the world is coming to an end, you guys make me feel otherwise. And I really appreciate the effort you put in to make my life not be the shitty state I thought it was in. My uni friends, you two special gals, my sis and my colleagues. Each group of you treated me to lovely meals and surprised me with cakes. LOVE YOU GUYS TO BITS!!!!

Today I went to get my car repaired in the workshop. Thankful that it is just around 5 minutes away from my home and the workshop owner was a nice guy. So, let me rewind back on how this whole thing started. Rachel and Douglas (when he was still here for job hunting in KL) went out late at night one day to McD and on the way home, a guy on his motorcycle came and crashed onto my car's side bumper in front. Nothing much happened to that man. He apologized and said he didn't have enough sleep for days and seeing that it was really late at night and Rachel was in a traumatic shock state, she let him off. Reason is, who knows that guy might rob her. There has been lots of cases that robbers purposely hit your car to make you get out of the car and then rob you after that. So, when she came back, I initially scolded her for letting him off. Coz it's gonna be damn expensive to get it repaired. Moreover, we have to bear it ourselves. And the bumper was actually falling off already, might drop to the road anytime if we drive it. So she and Douglas went and tied the bumper up temporarily with cable ties. Good idea I would say, coz it lasted for 2 to 3 weeks before today, when I finally brought it to the workshop.

So, last night after work, I brought the car to the workshop. The guy promised he would wait for me, but eventually he didn't. And I in turn, had to wait for him to come back, at a dodgy, dark alley, where his workshop was. OMG! I was so freaked out. Coz there was noone there, it's like an abandoned place. I was actually very angry at the guy, coz he promised he would wait and then I rushed like crazy to reach there in time. He even told me over the phone in a slow, no energy/lazy/uninterested tone, that I could go to other workshops if I wanted to. He just had that "lan si I don't really care" tone. He finally arrived and said it should be around RM 600-700. When I went to the authorized Proton dealer, they said it would be RM 1200. What a huge difference. For this, I have to thank my cousin for introducing this workshop to me to get the job done at half price. And thank god, the workshop guy turned out to be a nicer person in real life.

So the next day, today, is a great day. I left my car at his workshop and due to how close he was to my house, he drove me home. I initially had to think of who the hell could bring me to the workshop and back. Then he dropped me home and I got ready for the outing with uni friends. I had to take a taxi. MyTeksi app wasn't able to find me a driver for a few times, until it finally did. And I was already kind of late. But eventually I made it without being the last one to arrive.

The cab ride was so interesting. The cab driver had his wife accompanying him that day. So they both told me about their life stories, they talked about mine too. It was nice talking to strangers like that. He said I looked like I'm working in the beauty line, to which I replied that my mum is. When I told him I was working in Panasonic, he said he wanted to get a kitchen exhaust fan. haha. He was marveling and wondering about how people are able to connect the MRT blocks together to form the whole rail line, to which his wife answered that God gave the architects the brain to solve that. When we complained how it was extraordinarily jamming like crazy today, totally different from other Saturdays, his wife funnily replied it was coz she came out with him today, so everyone wants to come out and see her. LOL! Funny woman. They talked about their kids and how hard it is to get jobs after they graduated. It's amazing that their kids are doing white collar jobs, one is doing physiotherapy and the other is a medical lab person. We talked about Brunei and about my car. He said I should survey around and find cheaper price by sourcing for the bumper part myself. To this, his wife commented that us girls don't really do that. As long as we can get it done, we'll not go around looking for cheaper prices. Then he said these workshop men always cheat women's money and charge higher prices. hahaha.

After my meal with my friends, I was thinking to ask my cousin to pick me up, asked him and he agreed. But thankfully, one of my friends was on the way to Mid Valley, which is quite on the way to my house and offered to give me a ride home. However! Upon reaching home, I realised I don't have enough cash to pay the workshop man when he sends my car back home. So, I asked my cousin again, and he said ok, he'll bring me to the ATM to withdraw money after he's done. BUT the workshop man called and said my car was ready. I told him I had to wait for my cousin to bring me to the ATM before I get my car from him. And then, he said he could just send me to the ATM himself. So I told my cousin, nvm again. After withdrawing money and getting my car, I felt so complete. Everything's nice and done. Feels like a great end to the day. Being able to chat with new people and learn about their lives and being thankful for all the help today.