give and take

So things have been good and bad lately. I'm slowly letting everything go, slowly adapting the life without them, tried to avoid from their kind of politics and stay away... but I hate myself that I'd still mind whatever that is happening now. I don't know what are they thinking ( and I didnt dare to confront or ask anymore ) but not replying my replies just suck big time, left me hanging there wondering what's going on again.

I guess that's how life is, I can't have the best from everything; family, friends, career, etc. It's the balance in life uh.

A quote I just read and I can so relate it to my situation somehow so here I'm going to share it..

'You have two hands.
Take with one and with the other you give.
That's the way life works out and that's the way to live.

What you get and what you give must balance up someday.
It's give a little, take a little all along the way.'

Peace out!

Friends.

Here I am, going to be 25 in a few months time and as embarrassing as it is, I have decided to blog it out. It will be a reminder or a lesson to myself that this is not going to happen again.

I have always thought I'm a very outgoing, nice and sociable person? and at least I thought my interpersonal skill is just good enough But I was wrong. I was very wrong indeed. What triggered me to write this post anyway?

I just had a talk yesterday, or it was more like a confrontation. From the confrontation, I come to know myself a lot, a lot better and I hate that person my friends saw in me. I never knew I was that kind of person until during/after that talk, and right now I am just too embarrassed to hang out with them already, at least for another..few more weeks? Even though they said they are okay with me already but deep down we all know that things will be so different already after the talk.

I never knew keeping my unhappy feelings to myself when they teased me would be regarded as dishonest about how I felt. I never knew answering 'I'm not mad' after they prank/teased me would be regarded someone fake, because I felt when I said 'I'm not mad' afterwards, I really meant it so there is really no need to say I was mad. I also never knew trying to explain and defend myself when someone said something about me that is not true would end me up being someone who is very sensitive and never admit her mistakes. I was also someone who always push away responsibilities.

Even my bad memory made me someone who is not responsible for what I always have to say. There are just so many other things mentioned that nearly shocked me, because I really have no idea and I was not even aware that I could be someone like that. Someone they said who was capable of doing all of those mentioned and they even said I could be scheming something bad. Everything that they mentioned has never once crossed my mind. I never intended to hurt anybody, what more the friends I called my best friends. I am really clueless in what I have done to them to make them feel that way and right now I really don't know what I can do to amend this.. I really want to know.

As much as I felt bad and guilty, even embarrassed, I am also feeling very unhappy. If I didn't bring up the issue and initiated a meet up to talk about this, they'd just leave it as it is and all I could do was being a fool thinking everything was going to be alright, which I didn't feel that way at all. Before I brought up the issue, I felt like crap everyday. I knew something was wrong but I kept it in. Almost everyday there would be something said or posted in one of the social medias by one of them to hint me that something is really wrong and it is about me. Why are they even doing this to me? It's like as though they wanted to confront me, which they did.

From this incident I realized true friendship is not easy to build and it is definitely easy to....break. We don't actually need a lot of friends whom we can confide in, trust and share some of the most personal details and needs of our lives, really. I'd be lucky if I already have a handful of them. I am always a very grateful person. Deep in my heart, I really am. So as much as I feel bad about the whole thing, I am actually quite grateful that the confrontation happened. It made me see a lot of things better in another perspective. At least for now I know the reasons, the reasons to their behavior to me. 

As painful as it sounds, I have got to understand now that not all friendships will last forever. Some friendships only exist because they are convenient.

I had to learn it the hard way :/

before it's too late.

This is a Repost from a blog I read. I felt the need to share this, because it's happening to people around me now, and I really wished they could wake up and realised how much they are going to lose.....

 ''Too often we don't realize what we have until it's gone.
Too often we're too stubborn to say, "Sorry, I was wrong."
Too often it seems we hurt the ones closest to our  hearts,
and we let the most foolish things tear us apart.''

 

APRIL! XD

It's APRIL already! Time flies! The last post was about my 4th day doing TP and today, I have lost count already But I've been counting down days and I am left 26 days to finish this TP. I really can't wait. I dread coming to work, preparing lesson plans and what is worst is, I don't like to be observed in my class. This coming wednesday I'll be observed by my Supervisor from UBD and this is really important because that observation will determine what grade he will give me for my 4months TP here. I just wished everything will go fine.

So what's up for the past few months uh. January has been all about Chinese New Year and visiting around to get angpaos, and after CNY it was a little bit hard to settle down, well, what I meant was to tone down the busyness because during the CNY, for 15 days, everyday after work I was busy preparing to visit around. Heh` kinda miss CNY now. It was so happening.

So after the CNY, I've been busy as well in school as every school is busy preparing for the National Day Celebration and I must say YAY because both the classes that I teach were involved and so there was no lessons for 3 weeks, and during the last week, teachers were assigned to go to the Padang Soas to look after the students during their practice so it was quite fun until I fell so lost and unwell too right after the National Day. I was so messed up and also one of my Ct (Cooperating Teacher) started to be demanding in my work and I had to amend and amend my work all over again for a few times. I got so stressed and emotional for a few weeks there. Haha, and I fell sick right after.

ok, to be continued.... got class in a while. 

4th day of TP

So the title says... it's not so bad here really, infact, I quite like it here. I made some new friends and I think my tp-mates are just cool. 3 of them play left4dead! Interesting eyh` and my timetable is quite free. I am given 2 classes of year 10 and I be teaching Mathematics and Accounting. Well I should be really really thankful because I wished for morning session and I really got it. So, though it will be quite challenging to teach year 10's Mathematic and Accounting... I will try my best.

guess that's about it for this post. hee, just felt like updating so I just did ;)

time flies and things changed.

again, it's been a Long time since I have been here! I have always wanted to blog again but I always had a few things tying me down. Like the blog title says, things changed. So here are some updates..

First off, 2011 has passed and it's year 2012 now and I'll be 24 this year(damn!). It felt like it was just yesterday I was thinking about how was it like to grow up to this age. Time flies and many things have certainly changed. I am not the same person I used to be a year ago and some of my perspectives in life have changed. In many ways I'm just glad for the changes so I must say that 2011 was a great year for me, and it sure did passed... like an arrow. In a blink of an eye, I was already cheering for the year 2012. LOL!

so GEE! I'm graduating this year (hopefully, fingers crossed) and my teaching practice starts tomorrow! Teaching practice will be ongoing for about 4 months and that's it, I will then be waiting for the results and the convocation would most probably be around September/October!

Time sure does have its way of going by faster as we age huh, let's just hope everything will go well for everyone in this dragon year 2012. Hope I'll be writing soon again. Cheers.

i've learnt..

that there are 3 things we cant recover in life: the WORD after its said, the MOMENT after its missed, and the TIME after its gone..