Everything still feels so surreal...

I cannot believe this but wow~ I really had an eventful 2018 so far.

My grandma recovered and then my grandpa got admitted to the hospital, and he struggled in the ICU for around 3 months and passed away.

He had to pass away when I was on my way back from Chicago from work duty travel. That feeling was unbearable because there was nothing I could do but to go with the course, hoping the time could tick faster so I could be back home with my family and by his side. I made it back for my grandpa's wake and funeral day. I had a lot that I wanted to tell my grandpa; that we know he did his best to fight the virus in him, we know he was not ready to go and we also know he basically had enough of all those antibiotics and sedation that was put into him everyday to make him stable but torturous to him as well. Also I was tired and had enough of some of the family politics that was happening during my grandpa's admittance in the hospital. Sigh.

Right after the funeral, my family had to prepare for my brother's wedding because there is this chinese tradition that if your family member pass away, you are not supposed to have a joyous celebration, i.e. wedding for 3 years unless you do it within the 100 days from the passing.

My brother was already planning to propose on the 20th May 2018 and do the wedding reception probably in 2019 and then my grandpa suddenly left us.. so the proposal and wedding needed to be pushed forward because if he were to wait for another 3 years, that means he can only get married by 2021 which is a little bit too late for his wife-now, because they were also expecting a baby on the way.

Gosh, now that I am writing this I seriously had no idea how I been through the first half of this year because all I know was I had so many things to cope with; my work, duty travels, almost everyday errands to the hospital to see my grandparents, and later, funeral and wedding receptions.

and then I have some people thinking that my life is pretty easy and everything I am "complaining" now is just time management but seriously, I am mentally tired besides the physical exhaustion that caused me to gain weight like crazy because I literally feel I don't have enough time to rest and do any other things like, working out or prepare diet meals.  Sometimes when I have the time, I just want to stay at home and slack and watch my favourite dramas on youtube, etc. Oh Life~

It is absolutely not easy.. hence to hear it from a friend that said my lifestyle habits are bad and that I don't bother to care that the lifestyle I led is causing me to gain weight like crazy actually upsets me. You are not in my shoe, and so you don't know.

But in anyway, everyone has their own perspective so I am not going to bother much about what they think, as long as I know myself, what I am doing and the consequences.

Looking back the past 6 months, it sure has been quite an eventful year 2018 and I can only hope for the best in this next 6 months to come. Cheers.

What is happening..

Just when I thought year 2017 is a good year overall, things had to happen.

Wedding is over, finally and I feel absolutely good about it; everything went well, at least that's what I thought and I do not want to care what others think of it.

There were people saying the wedding is boring, this and that, well I guess it was just not up to their entertainment standard but I was happy. I loved the deco where people take pictures, I loved the wedding dress and evening gown I rented last minute and most of all, I have all the friends I cared for with me to share the moment with me.

That was enough, that was enough for me to feel good about my wedding and on another point, I married the love of my life.

... and just when I thought everything will be good, my dad's family decided to make a swift decision to do operation for my grandma on her blocked arteries; bypass surgery.

Although the surgery went well and everything was fine but the person going through the operation was not really briefed properly of the operation procedure and so when grandma woke up and felt all weak and etc, she felt shocked and sort of just give up after two days of pleading us to bring her home. Now when we go visit her, she is always sleeping and coughing and sometimes it sounds like crying with no energy.

So depressed... and I feel so helpless, and my dad and his siblings are just not helping much with the situation... sighs. Speechless and don't know what else to say.

Just wanting to rant this out....

Tomorrow is my wedding..

and today I am still feeling like shit.

I can't even lift a smile.. what is this feeling?

Just few days ago I was feeling all nervous, butterflies, and maybe a little excited, until I decided to share a little bit info to someone whom I told myself not to trust, but I thought that little info wouldn't get me into any trouble.. what is worse that could happen? BAM. Gossips.

So that little info led to my husband being teased and shit among his guy friends and he was not too happy about it, and at that point of time, I turned to someone whom I was already constantly talking to and BAM.. I wasn't even looking to comfort or anything, I just needed a place to rant.. I was overwhelmed with things. but yea, I got slammed, saying this is what I deserved to get when I indulged in all those negativities, rumours and gossip shit and brought up something in the past that we couldn't solved but made a pact not to talk about before.

She felt insulted because I chose to believe the worse of this somebody from gossips and others, and not believe in her judgement of this somebody that he's not a bad person. .

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And I know for a fact that some of the ppl I hang out with are toxic, I really know.. but I can't just cut them off like that, I can't, at least not yet; this is not how I deal with people.

But I do not need all those statements now.. I knew all the facts she threw, I just can't have it now because it's like a huge stone sitting on me now.. I haven't felt so sad waking up for a long time, and I just couldn't feel any better.

Now I just feel like shit, I feel like I deserved it, I don't even know if I am supposed to whine about it now because I am a grown up adult and I should know how to deal with shits, but I am only just human. I cannot deal with this now.

Gah, God, please help me. Let loose me so that I could at least enjoy this very last moment before I become a Mrs in this chinese traditional way.

Also, can there be no rain tomorrow? I pray with all my heart and soul.

:(

So, has it been 10 Years yet.. or not?

YES, this blog is 12 years old already!

Ladies, we should celebrate! I was just wondering what other social media platform my email address is associated with and then I remembered this blog.

and boy, my last post was sad. Sound like I had a lot of things going on there; I call them emosi! hahaha

Well, I just thought I'd drop a short post here updating the year we are at now. 2016!

Happy 2016 Our Equation!

Issue#1

There has been a lot of things going on lately and I just can't help feeling down about it. Now I'd like to blog about issue#1

1. Being a sister.

I failed as a sister. I do not have the respect I want/should have from my siblings at all, especially one of my sister. She can just scream and shout and even swear at me however she want and I have no way, and I repeat, there is no way for me to get her respect at all. Sometimes I would just walk away and sometimes I would just scream back at her but you can say, most of the times I just failed miserably.

I often think to myself, why? How did this come about? I am the eldest sister but none of them has ever treated me as the eldest one, except for my youngest sister. You may say it's because I have never been like an elder sister before, responsibility and also role wise but that's also because we go to different schools and I am more independent myself; study wise. 

Lately I have a friend who said I am who I am because I did not go overseas and get the exposure I should have and that my mindset is different from two of my siblings; my brother and my youngest sister who went overseas for studies. The sister who I don't get along with; our mindset is different from my siblings who went overseas before. I was speechless when I read what she typed because it sounded as though we are the same kind, I didn't know what to say.  

I wanted to say we are different, and I wanted to argue that if I had the chance again to fight for my opportunity to study overseas, I think I'd still choose to stay and go with what I can locally because I am the eldest, and my family is not well off. I knew my parents couldn't support me to study overseas. My brother is only a year younger than me and I knew he wanted to study overseas as well and what more I still have two younger sisters, what if they wanted an opportunity to study/venture overseas too? Sigh

And when this friend said my sister and I are different from my other two siblings...  I felt so... upset. My sister is pure rude and she only thinks for herself and do things out of her convenient. She is not considerate at all and always find excuses for her doings BUT I don't know.. maybe I am in no place to say her as well, I am probably as bad...but all I wanted from her was some respect, the kind of treatment she has for me is.. intolerable. 

I guess that will only happen in my dream.  

This too, will pass..

As I sit down infront of this screen here, I think of my life.

I think of the things I feel I have worked hard for yet still haven't attained.

I began to wonder...

With every blink of my eyes I begin to feel so many emotions.

My heart starts to speed up.

My emotions start to run wild.

I can't seem to express this.

What can I do with these emotions?

What is my passion?

How do I show that I have potential for something?

I feel like a bird perched on a frail branch that is bending beneath me..

But I know bad moments don't last forever, neither do the good ones.

Nothing lasts forever.

Everything changes.

A New Beginning for Me.

This is the first post of the year 2014 for me. I just have to do this.

I have to grow up. I need to stop talking and brooding about people's issue. I have to accept the fact that people come and go and not everyone in your life is going to stick around forever. I just have to learn how to let go. As the chinese sayings go by, '拿得起放得下' I've just talked to a friend and what she said is somewhat true, that Bruneians tends to be stuck all the time, stuck with the same old problem and whine like a broken record, over and over again and after some time the same problem is still there. We just don't fix it. I felt embarassed to be one of those 'bruneians' she mentioned even though technically, I'm a Malaysian, but I grew up in Brunei. haha!

I have to stop giving myself pressure about this kind of things. Why do I have to be so afraid of hurting people when those people I care about do not think the same about me. Why do I have to care so much about how people think of me when they don't even think of how I would think of them. My opinion should be as important as how I think of their opinion as well. All in all I should just stop caring so much for things that don't affect too much on me for once and for all. I can't expect people to change. I either have to accept who they are, or I start living my life without them and just because when something ends, it doesnt mean it never should have been. Maybe things are meant to happen that way, for a reason. There's another sayings that go 'You lived, you learned, you grew, and you moved on. Some people comes into your life as blessings, others come into your life as lessons hence SHENNY! Stop letting people who do so little to control so much of your mind, feelings and emotions. Nobody really cares.

I really hope this post will be my closure right now for all the friends and people issues I had for the past few years. This blog will serve as a reminder to myself to be who I really want to be. I'm tired to be someone to look out for how people think of me. All I really want to do now is to be the best version of myself, on my own terms. I want to set my priorities straight and take full responsibility of my own goals, know my self worth and choose the right perspective. I cannot keep brooding over the same old issue anymore. Just let it be a lesson learnt. Most of all, choose the things that truly matters only.

Saw this paragraph and thought that this would be a good reminder note to myself......

Dear Self,
When someone treats you like you're just one of many options, help them narrow their choice by removing yourself from the equation. Sometimes you have to try nt to care, no matter how much you really do, because sometimes you can mean almost nothing to the person who means so much to you. It's not pride but self respect. Don't expect to see positive changes in your life if you surround yourself with negative people. Don't give part time people a full-time position in your life. Know your value and what you have to offer, and never settle for anything less than you deserve. 

Meaningless friendships, forced interactions and unnecessary conversations can be avoided all. Just learn to let go of things I can't control. Nobody is born perfect, and perspective is really everything. There are two choices to how I can view this as; a lesson learnt or get all emotional and breakdown that all these people and friends' issues had to happen to me. The past me would have chosen the latter.

Today I will take it as a life's way of asking me to grow up a little bit more, to raise my consciousness in life.

Cheers.