The value of a friend.

I never would have thought I'd be going through all this.

I've heard about it, seen it happened in other people's life and even laughed it off because I thought I'd never be going through all those because I was so sure I'd have absolute no issues in those as I believed in my friends, in treating me the way I'd treat them; sincerely.

But here I am now brooding over these issues, again. I guess I just need to brag about it, at least that's how I'm going to get this out of my chest. Yes, I'm easily wounded and my emotions will not be contained. I'm by nature one who 'wears my heart on my sleeves.'

It seemed like yesterday we were still hanging out and we can talk about almost everything but in fact, I felt we have already grown apart since the earlier January incident. Everything just seemed to be building up the tension in between us, and you just blew it the moment you said 'Once eat shit always will do'.

Seriously, whichever friend would say that to describe a friend's bad habit and moreover I insisted I haven't had that bad habit for a long while. Sigh. Whatever happened? and I wondered too, whatever did I do to get all those treatments. I treasure/cherish this friendship very much.

I still have many to say but right now I am just too lost at words already. I need to get rid of all these negative vibes from me so I could feel better. Almost everyday when I think about this I would feel so emotionally drained.

Maybe a getaway could just be the remedy to all these.

Hi May.

I needed to blog again because I have nowhere else to pour out the heart.

Things have been going on quite well for me; work, friends, this and that until an hour or two ago. Why are some people so judgemental, I just cannot  understand. I know, a tease is a tease but when you keep repeating the same thing over and over again, I have to call it a personal attack.

Also, why so judgemental all the time? Aren't couples kissing a normal thing in a club? especially after a few drinks? Do some people really need to take pictures of it and make it a big deal thing? I do not understand, really. Furthermore, I'd really like to know what are their definition of a good friend really, because it definetely did not feel good being their friend most of the time. It felt like being called as their friend has to put up with all their so called 'games' but to me they are just overrated pranks.

I just watched a Carlsberg ad with the title 'don't judge a book by its cover'. I felt like they are like one of those people that will just leave when they see the cinema is full of tattoo people because when they stepped in and saw them, they are already judging them. Just like how they judged me, I was only having fun and enjoying my time at the club but they are already labeling and judging me, either from the past or constantly at it.

Sometimes when we are silent about it, it does not mean we are okay about it. We are actually giving them time to realize it themselves but I guess people like them will never realized it.

give and take

So things have been good and bad lately. I'm slowly letting everything go, slowly adapting the life without them, tried to avoid from their kind of politics and stay away... but I hate myself that I'd still mind whatever that is happening now. I don't know what are they thinking ( and I didnt dare to confront or ask anymore ) but not replying my replies just suck big time, left me hanging there wondering what's going on again.

I guess that's how life is, I can't have the best from everything; family, friends, career, etc. It's the balance in life uh.

A quote I just read and I can so relate it to my situation somehow so here I'm going to share it..

'You have two hands.
Take with one and with the other you give.
That's the way life works out and that's the way to live.

What you get and what you give must balance up someday.
It's give a little, take a little all along the way.'

Peace out!

Friends.

Here I am, going to be 25 in a few months time and as embarrassing as it is, I have decided to blog it out. It will be a reminder or a lesson to myself that this is not going to happen again.

I have always thought I'm a very outgoing, nice and sociable person? and at least I thought my interpersonal skill is just good enough But I was wrong. I was very wrong indeed. What triggered me to write this post anyway?

I just had a talk yesterday, or it was more like a confrontation. From the confrontation, I come to know myself a lot, a lot better and I hate that person my friends saw in me. I never knew I was that kind of person until during/after that talk, and right now I am just too embarrassed to hang out with them already, at least for another..few more weeks? Even though they said they are okay with me already but deep down we all know that things will be so different already after the talk.

I never knew keeping my unhappy feelings to myself when they teased me would be regarded as dishonest about how I felt. I never knew answering 'I'm not mad' after they prank/teased me would be regarded someone fake, because I felt when I said 'I'm not mad' afterwards, I really meant it so there is really no need to say I was mad. I also never knew trying to explain and defend myself when someone said something about me that is not true would end me up being someone who is very sensitive and never admit her mistakes. I was also someone who always push away responsibilities.

Even my bad memory made me someone who is not responsible for what I always have to say. There are just so many other things mentioned that nearly shocked me, because I really have no idea and I was not even aware that I could be someone like that. Someone they said who was capable of doing all of those mentioned and they even said I could be scheming something bad. Everything that they mentioned has never once crossed my mind. I never intended to hurt anybody, what more the friends I called my best friends. I am really clueless in what I have done to them to make them feel that way and right now I really don't know what I can do to amend this.. I really want to know.

As much as I felt bad and guilty, even embarrassed, I am also feeling very unhappy. If I didn't bring up the issue and initiated a meet up to talk about this, they'd just leave it as it is and all I could do was being a fool thinking everything was going to be alright, which I didn't feel that way at all. Before I brought up the issue, I felt like crap everyday. I knew something was wrong but I kept it in. Almost everyday there would be something said or posted in one of the social medias by one of them to hint me that something is really wrong and it is about me. Why are they even doing this to me? It's like as though they wanted to confront me, which they did.

From this incident I realized true friendship is not easy to build and it is definitely easy to....break. We don't actually need a lot of friends whom we can confide in, trust and share some of the most personal details and needs of our lives, really. I'd be lucky if I already have a handful of them. I am always a very grateful person. Deep in my heart, I really am. So as much as I feel bad about the whole thing, I am actually quite grateful that the confrontation happened. It made me see a lot of things better in another perspective. At least for now I know the reasons, the reasons to their behavior to me. 

As painful as it sounds, I have got to understand now that not all friendships will last forever. Some friendships only exist because they are convenient.

I had to learn it the hard way :/