Here I am, going to be 25 in a few months time and as embarrassing as it is, I have decided to blog it out. It will be a reminder or lesson to myself that this is not going to happen again.
I have always thought I'm a very outgoing, nice? and sociable person, and at least I thought my interpersonal skill is just good enough But I was wrong. I was very wrong indeed. What triggered me to write this post anyway?
I just had a talk yesterday, or it was more like a confrontation. From the confrontation, I come to know myself a lot, a lot better and I hate that person my friends see in me. I never knew I was that kind of person until during/after that talk, and right now I am just too embarrassed to hang out with them already, at least for another..few more weeks? Even though they said they are okay with me already but deep down we all know that things will be so different already after the talk.
I never knew keeping my unhappy feelings to myself when they teased me would be regarded as dishonest about how I felt. I never knew answering 'I'm not mad' when they asked me if I was mad after they prank/teased me would be regarded someone fake, because I felt when I said 'I'm not mad' afterwards, I really meant it so there is really no need to say I was mad. I also never knew trying to explain and defend myself when someone said something about me that is not true would end me up being someone who is very sensitive and never admit her mistakes, and also someone who always push responsibilities. My bad memories has also made me someone who is not responsible for what I said. There are just so many other things mentioned that nearly shocked me, because I really have no idea, not even aware that I could be someone like that, someone who is capable of doing all of those which I never ever intended to. I would never want to hurt anybody, what more the friends I called best friends. But I am guessing I could be just too overly-attached with this group of friends that I said/did things I didn't know that made them think that way of me? I really don't know.
As much as I felt bad and guilty, even embarrassed, I am also feeling very unhappy. If I didn't bring up the issue and initiated a meet up to talk about this, they'd just leave it as it is and that'd make me a fool thinking everything was going to be alright, which I didn't feel that way at all. Before I brought up the issue, I felt like crap everyday. I knew something was wrong but I kept it in and everyday there would be something said or posted in one of the social medias I'm in with that group of friends that tell me, something is really wrong and it is about me.
From this incident I realized true friendship is not easy to build and it is definitely easy to...die. We don't actually need a lot of friends whom we can confide in, trust and share some of the most personal details and needs of our lives, really. I'd be lucky if I already have a handful of them. I am always a very grateful person. Deep in my heart, I really am. So I am actually quite grateful that the confrontation happened as it made me see a lot, a lot of things clearer. At least for now I know the reasons, the reasons to their behavior.
As painful as it sounds, I have got to understand now that not all friendships will last forever. Some friendships only exist because they are convenient.
I learnt it the hard way :)