What is happening..

Just when I thought year 2017 is a good year overall, things had to happen.

Wedding is over, finally and I feel absolutely good about it; everything went well, at least that's what I thought and I do not want to care what others think of it.

There were people saying the wedding is boring, this and that, well I guess it was just not up to their entertainment standard but I was happy. I loved the deco where people take pictures, I loved the wedding dress and evening gown I rented last minute and most of all, I have all the friends I cared for with me to share the moment with me.

That was enough, that was enough for me to feel good about my wedding and on another point, I married the love of my life.

... and just when I thought everything will be good, my dad's family decided to make a swift decision to do operation for my grandma on her blocked arteries; bypass surgery.

Although the surgery went well and everything was fine but the person going through the operation was not really briefed properly of the operation procedure and so when grandma woke up and felt all weak and etc, she felt shocked and sort of just give up after two days of pleading us to bring her home. Now when we go visit her, she is always sleeping and coughing and sometimes it sounds like crying with no energy.

So depressed... and I feel so helpless, and my dad and his siblings are just not helping much with the situation... sighs. Speechless and don't know what else to say.

Just wanting to rant this out....

Tomorrow is my wedding..

and today I am still feeling like shit.

I can't even lift a smile.. what is this feeling?

Just few days ago I was feeling all nervous, butterflies, and maybe a little excited, until I decided to share a little bit info to someone whom I told myself not to trust, but I thought that little info wouldn't get me into any trouble.. what is worse that could happen? BAM. Gossips.

So that little info led to my husband being teased and shit among his guy friends and he was not too happy about it, and at that point of time, I turned to someone whom I was already constantly talking to and BAM.. I wasn't even looking to comfort or anything, I just needed a place to rant.. I was overwhelmed with things. but yea, I got slammed, saying this is what I deserved to get when I indulged in all those negativities, rumours and gossip shit and brought up something in the past that we couldn't solved but made a pact not to talk about before.

She felt insulted because I chose to believe the worse of this somebody from gossips and others, and not believe in her judgement of this somebody that he's not a bad person. .

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And I know for a fact that some of the ppl I hang out with are toxic, I really know.. but I can't just cut them off like that, I can't, at least not yet; this is not how I deal with people.

But I do not need all those statements now.. I knew all the facts she threw, I just can't have it now because it's like a huge stone sitting on me now.. I haven't felt so sad waking up for a long time, and I just couldn't feel any better.

Now I just feel like shit, I feel like I deserved it, I don't even know if I am supposed to whine about it now because I am a grown up adult and I should know how to deal with shits, but I am only just human. I cannot deal with this now.

Gah, God, please help me. Let loose me so that I could at least enjoy this very last moment before I become a Mrs in this chinese traditional way.

Also, can there be no rain tomorrow? I pray with all my heart and soul.

:(