Teaching Practice..

so I'm doing my teaching practice now at a school nearby my home. It is like an attachment thing so THERE GOES MY ''SUMMER 3MONTHS'' HOLIDAY! huhuhu.. so the teaching practice has been so far so good. The school I was assigned to is very near to my house and this is actually good because I pretty much do not need to rush to work and it takes only around 5 minutes to reach home from work. Another good thing that I should be glad about this tp is that I am teaching in the afternoon session so there is really no need for me to wake up early for work.. well everything is good BUT, but but but.... now that I think.. this is my first tp and I have another tp next yr; it is quite impossible that I'l be sent to the same school to do my 2nd TP so I'm pretty much upset now, because I have find myself slowly liking this school, and its conveniency to me... I want to maybe teach here in the future... BLEHS.

So recalling back, on the first day during the briefing, I was actually quite down when I know I am going to be in the afternoon session, because I was hoping that I could have my afternoon free to do whatever I want; gym, shop, and yea.. But this is the end of the second week already and it hasnt been too bad. I started teaching already on the second day because the classes I was given to, they were going to start a new topic and the subject teacher suggested that it'd be better if i start the new topic myself..so I started teaching on the 2nd day of my work. Overall, things were okay until the second week.

A relief teacher came to report for work and she was going to relief the two classes I was given to because the teacher in charge of the classes was going to take maternity leave so so so they decided to give me another two new classes...... omg I feel like I'm reporting... ohwells, so summary is I was given two new classes and so far I'm enjoying it eventhough there are a few very very talkative students. pfft..... oh, and I had a surprise visit by my supervisor yesterday to observe my class. I was not prepared because I thought I didnt have to teach that class yet; wrong information given by my CT but Im glad that I handled that class well despite no preparation. hehehe, and I got a pretty average grade from my supervisor.

so what am I doing now.... nothing in the staffroom, listening to the radio's songs.. and blogging here... colleagues are talking about their classes.. comparing students' answers... time is ticking, tick tock tick tock....

recently my feelings has been Up and Down but I sure hope there will be no more Down because I don't want to go through that kind of feelings anymore. I just hope all will end well for me. I pray, because all I ever wanted is just to.....

eff my curiousity..

i was fine, i was happy. then out of nowhere my curiousity brings me there... flooding my mind, blurring my vision. there was that familiar ache again. there was the tightness in my chest, the lump in my throat. i hate this feeling, i hate everything about this.

curiousity + insecurities = heartbreak. WHEE!

SAD!

Hehe, Shen, this blog is turning emo! Why we both so emo one? sigh

I dunno why I should be emo. I mean I know students who are like me, taking same exact subjects. But I guarantee you they are not feeling emo like me. I am so helpless.. I feel like time is against me badly. I feel like it's worst that I'm not a very bright student and I would usually take a much LONGER time to understand things generally, I mean to understand anything at all from the course materials. So that means, time again is pushing against me since I'm so slow.

Every day these days, when I wake up, I feel like crap. Haven't felt like that for so long. It's like everyday is a bad day. Every day I get up, the first thing I think of is not oh how's the weather today? or ok so what do I do today, or AH a brand new day. It's actually, shit, I'm back to reality. Coz when I get up, I always transit from dream to reality. There's not one day that the dream is worst than reality. I feel angry that I actually got up, I feel sad that I'm back to this awful real world, I wish I didn't have to get up to face all these.

I don't know if it's because of this research project or what. It's supposed to be around 6 weeks to complete. Well, supposed to research on it all the while and then this Friday is the due date. But what have my partner and I been doing? I dunno, we slacked till last Friday thinking we could do it. But now, seeing how difficult it is to research mathematical models of synchronous generators, I think it's almost impossible! Like seriously, where is there enough time, what we read we don't even get it right away, even my friend who tried to help said we're dead meat. The stuff is deep, it would take weeks to actually understand everything. Now, we practically have nothing to submit. it's 20% of the whole subject, which is damn alot. Considering I've wanted to count on this subject to get my honors grade up. Sigh.. never felt much crappier than this before.

On top of this research project, there's a whole 5 things lined up to be done for another half a month. Each, highly time-consuming, not having enough time to be done adequately. Sigh.. I never went out or have any "weekends" since the Easter break. That 's around 2 weeks already. And for the next 2 weeks no weekends again. Then after that it's study break. why would I use any of my precious study break days to go out anyway? So that means after exams, then only I can actually go out for real. And that's after 5 weeks from now... then only I can actually go out and have real weekends. What a life I have really! I don't even have a life anymore.

Maybe it's my own problem. I'm not good at balancing things in life I guess. Coz if others are doing worst and much more than me with less time don't complain, then I'm quite ridiculous. They take it lightly. I see it in some of my friends, it just doesn't look too bad. But I'm complaining here about everything coz of my poor time-management skills. I wish I could take it easily and don't fret so much.

why DOES it have to be todayyyyy.... i feel like tearing open my heart now to know why is it feeling this way.. i should have known better than anyone else, i should have got used to this already. why do i have to feel this way still....

this sudden feeling inside...

to be honest, i'm not always as confident as i might seem to be. there are many nights and many days when all i want is to be held and cared... sometimes i dont want to talk about what is bothering me. sometimes, all i want is just a hug, someone who will let me cry and be there for me when i need to express that feelings deep inside me...

i wear my heart on my sleeve but im not naive. i know what it feels like to be completely broken and i am familiar with what it means to be hurt. i knw what it's like to see something funny and not laugh. i've been taken advantage of and my feelings have often been disregarded one or too many times before... BUT

i still believe that all people are good at heart.. and THEY are still worth my trust..

Sooo... nahhh, not goin to bother so muchhhhh and....

p.s. inspired by a post i read. lol, no i'm not emo, maybe just stressed ;)

Grrrrrrrrrrr

Guess why I'm blogging? COZ I'M STRESSED OUTTTTT~~~~

yes, it has become routine for me to only have a super super super strong urge to blog when I am frustrated or annoyed or angry. Other little times I blog coz I want to try to keep myself reminded(in future) to see what I've been up to.

SIGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!

The ages-old question. Why am I doing engineering?!

I have a love-hate relationship with it. Sometimes I hate it to the core. Sometimes I tolerate and say it's ok, coz sometimes when I really do study for exams, it's a bit better, I dun feel like crap coz I understand things.

BUT you know what? Engineering's not all about study for exams!

The other aspects of it, I hate hate hate hate so much.

I HATE MATLAB! I hate programming. I am so weak at it, I sometimes feel like dying(so dramatic I know but really). I actually cry and sulk because I cannot program and hence, I cannot do my labs. And what's worst, my upcoming research projects, previous, current and upcoming labs, final year projects ALL need programming. It's like supposed to be embedded knowledge in engineering world. GRRRRRRRRRRRR I don't have the flair for it, damn it!

I HATE LABS when I have to fiddle with wires/equipments coz I dun know shit! And What's worst my final year project, we're supposed to build stuff, wire things, get involved with chips and PCB boards... ahhh kill me already. I really don't like these at all. And my final year project group, we are so lagging behind everyone else. Ppl have already started building stuff and we've got nothing yet. Even if I wanted to do something, I have no idea how to wire stuff. And the internet does not really teach you step-by-step what you need to know. You have to dig info from all corners of the internet and piece them one by one..

I HATE RESEARCH.. when I research for things engineering-related, there's like a million and one different, varying answers. And to understand one page of whatever some super-smart engineer student/super expert wrote is so HARD! They talk like computer/machine language.. not layman's terms at all.

I HATE PRESENTATIONS.. I suck at public speaking. I stammer, I slur on my words. And I have two coming up. And to talk about engineering stuff.. omg. I would try my best to practise and rehearse. BUT THEN, that's not the hard part! the hard part is that I will be BOMBARDED questions from the audience. And to answer them is impossible, I just can't think quickly engineering-wise. sigh..

I know I am very naive to think that I could just acquire an Engineering degree just by studying for exams. But hey, they still constitute a majority of the marks. But then again, the exams are not easy. I fear so much of the exams.. coz they are NEVER EVER easy. They are there to grill the hell out of you.

Now, I'm stuck doing multiple lab reports, programming badly, having to prepare for two quizzes, starting on research project, which have to be followed by report + presentation and final year project and have to study for exams.. arghh.. why is this semester so hectic eventhough I'm taking less subjects?

Then I had insomnia for two nights in a row, only slept a few hours, after seeing the sunlight stream into my room. wth. Was so worried about the amount of work I have to do.

FMLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL

hohoho!

yiieehaa!! first post of the year.. and it had to be during exam period, and it's May already!! Oh May, May, May has been good I guess, except for the exams... well, it is only the 4th day of the month so I dont know yet but let's just pray and hope it'l be good.

Oh, I gotta Mention that my April was fantabulous, awesome and just, WOW! I Love April, hehe..not only wonderful things happened in April but it's my Birthday month too, well not saying there wasnt some downs in April but overall, I just love it! TEE HEE XD

so I haven't been blogging for a long long long time and I somehow is not very keen to blog anymore. Lazy I suppose, and does this blog even have any viewers still? lol, and I just conquered another exam this morning and surprisingly this one I think I did quite well. I mean, I can do it except for one or two sub questions which might cost me like, 12-15marks but ohwells.. I just want to pass, and this paper definetely I can.

so Im going to get some rest now before I cram my brain with another course... gah, I seriously hate exam period. boo!