SAD!

Hehe, Shen, this blog is turning emo! Why we both so emo one? sigh

I dunno why I should be emo. I mean I know students who are like me, taking same exact subjects. But I guarantee you they are not feeling emo like me. I am so helpless.. I feel like time is against me badly. I feel like it's worst that I'm not a very bright student and I would usually take a much LONGER time to understand things generally, I mean to understand anything at all from the course materials. So that means, time again is pushing against me since I'm so slow.

Every day these days, when I wake up, I feel like crap. Haven't felt like that for so long. It's like everyday is a bad day. Every day I get up, the first thing I think of is not oh how's the weather today? or ok so what do I do today, or AH a brand new day. It's actually, shit, I'm back to reality. Coz when I get up, I always transit from dream to reality. There's not one day that the dream is worst than reality. I feel angry that I actually got up, I feel sad that I'm back to this awful real world, I wish I didn't have to get up to face all these.

I don't know if it's because of this research project or what. It's supposed to be around 6 weeks to complete. Well, supposed to research on it all the while and then this Friday is the due date. But what have my partner and I been doing? I dunno, we slacked till last Friday thinking we could do it. But now, seeing how difficult it is to research mathematical models of synchronous generators, I think it's almost impossible! Like seriously, where is there enough time, what we read we don't even get it right away, even my friend who tried to help said we're dead meat. The stuff is deep, it would take weeks to actually understand everything. Now, we practically have nothing to submit. it's 20% of the whole subject, which is damn alot. Considering I've wanted to count on this subject to get my honors grade up. Sigh.. never felt much crappier than this before.

On top of this research project, there's a whole 5 things lined up to be done for another half a month. Each, highly time-consuming, not having enough time to be done adequately. Sigh.. I never went out or have any "weekends" since the Easter break. That 's around 2 weeks already. And for the next 2 weeks no weekends again. Then after that it's study break. why would I use any of my precious study break days to go out anyway? So that means after exams, then only I can actually go out for real. And that's after 5 weeks from now... then only I can actually go out and have real weekends. What a life I have really! I don't even have a life anymore.

Maybe it's my own problem. I'm not good at balancing things in life I guess. Coz if others are doing worst and much more than me with less time don't complain, then I'm quite ridiculous. They take it lightly. I see it in some of my friends, it just doesn't look too bad. But I'm complaining here about everything coz of my poor time-management skills. I wish I could take it easily and don't fret so much.